Thursday, June 26, 2008

When It Began

Pregnant with my first child seven years ago, I waited anxiously to become a mama. I sent silent messages to my unborn daughter through my thoughts, positive that they rushed through my veins and somehow she heard me whispering to her. Even after she was born I felt connected, like I didn't have to speak. She broke my heart. I held her every minute and soaked in her needs and mourned the passing of each day that I could only live once with her tiny self growing and becoming a girl.

When my second daughter was born 13 and a half months later, I worried that we would miss the connection. She fought hard and nestled into her own perfect spot, beautiful and silent with her older sister guarding her every step. She was different than her independent sibling and clung to me as I snuggled her insecurities away.

Then there were two. And then we lost two. Two tiny people who came into our lives and never quite made it into the world although they were loved and dreamt about and the loss of each devastated and destroyed me for months and I mourned them both fully.

When finally our third daughter came she was welcomed with relief and joy. The five years past when I first became some one's mama had changed me and I saw her in a new light. Every movement and sound captured my attention in a new way and "Such a beautiful baby" everyone said. She was easy to love and wooed everyone around her.

Six weeks ago a lovely new girl entered our lives. A fourth and final sister 13 and a half months after the last. History repeated and welcomed yet when she arrived we looked at one another and there was, simply, need. I have struggled to feel the attachment that I felt with the others. I have nourished and cared for her and searched for something in her eyes, an indication that she recognized me and knew our secrets...and then today...she looked at me and smiled. She came to life in that moment and I can't wait to share her with everyone and everything. My perfect number four. Sharing a secret with me, finally.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Well I have a number. I have tallied up all of our standing debt and including our home, car and student loans and the number is big. I don't think I am ready to put it out there yet. It hurts a little to look at in print but that is what I need to really scare myself into buckling down and pinching my budget where ever I can to make this number go away. Of course, my priority is to get rid of the high interest credit card debt first and that number is significantly smaller than the balance so there's a little comfort...

Must go save tiny girl number three from the clutches of blue cotton yarn she has become entangled with.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Well, it's been months since I started this and in those 10 months we have added number four to our collection of tiny girls. She is nearly six weeks old and as beautiful as her sisters. Obviously I have been busy and decided that blogging needed to take a backseat (very far back) to mommying and knitting among other things. Also in these months my babies have turned into an almost first grader, an almost kindergartener and a very busy fourteen month old. Excuse me while I wipe away the tears...

There are a few reasons why I have decided to continue what I started here.

First of all, I have a new interest in sewing and refashioning old items. I wanted somewhere I could document my projects, knitting included. I love the excitement and satisfaction of creating something new and seeing a finished product getting some use. My kids are loving the benefits as well.

The second reason is that in the past nearly nine years of marriage, my hubby and I have accumulated quite a bit of debt. As you can imagine, four children are quite a drain on our finances and large monthly loan and credit card payments are eating up much of our budget. I hope to use this blog as a motivational tool to begin a slow climb out of this. I plan on using the percentage bars in the sidebar to track our debt and how much we still owe. This will take some work so I hope to have the details posted sometime this week.

There will be more to come...maybe something fun to look at...soon.