Pregnant with my first child seven years ago, I waited anxiously to become a mama. I sent silent messages to my unborn daughter through my thoughts, positive that they rushed through my veins and somehow she heard me whispering to her. Even after she was born I felt connected, like I didn't have to speak. She broke my heart. I held her every minute and soaked in her needs and mourned the passing of each day that I could only live once with her tiny self growing and becoming a girl.
When my second daughter was born 13 and a half months later, I worried that we would miss the connection. She fought hard and nestled into her own perfect spot, beautiful and silent with her older sister guarding her every step. She was different than her independent sibling and clung to me as I snuggled her insecurities away.
Then there were two. And then we lost two. Two tiny people who came into our lives and never quite made it into the world although they were loved and dreamt about and the loss of each devastated and destroyed me for months and I mourned them both fully.
When finally our third daughter came she was welcomed with relief and joy. The five years past when I first became some one's mama had changed me and I saw her in a new light. Every movement and sound captured my attention in a new way and "Such a beautiful baby" everyone said. She was easy to love and wooed everyone around her.
Six weeks ago a lovely new girl entered our lives. A fourth and final sister 13 and a half months after the last. History repeated and welcomed yet when she arrived we looked at one another and there was, simply, need. I have struggled to feel the attachment that I felt with the others. I have nourished and cared for her and searched for something in her eyes, an indication that she recognized me and knew our secrets...and then today...she looked at me and smiled. She came to life in that moment and I can't wait to share her with everyone and everything. My perfect number four. Sharing a secret with me, finally.