Friday, January 9, 2009

More

This is not a New Year's Resolution. This is me noticing a change in myself that scares me. This is me finding my days both rushing by and crawling so slowly I can feel each minute drag across my toes. This is me making certain my past won't repeat itself because I can't afford the luxury of a nervous breakdown.

I live each day as if it barely exists. I hug my children and smile and cook meals and feed the babe and straighten the house and pick up and drop off and waste a little time here in space...and then I sit and struggle with the thought of another day where there is not enough of me to go around. I sometimes sleep and sometimes wake up and then I do it all again. I barely see what's in front of me. I am nearly blind to my surroundings. I just get through the day and I know this is because I am overwhelmed. I know because I have been here before but this time has to be different. This time I have to wake up in the morning and feed my children and dress them warmly and kiss them sweetly and spend my days making certain they will be dressed and fed the next day. I am on call for the nursing babe and on alert for the tireless toddler. I am expected to drive and shop and pay bills and remember appointments and somehow clean up every one's messes. I want to shut down. I want to sleep and ignore.

What I am giving is not enough. My children need more of me but sometimes it seems impossible to give any more of myself after giving my self wholly to two under two all day. I used to make time for sex (as is evident by the overflow of children) but now after nursing a baby for 8 months, I don't even make it to bed many nights. My house is clean for company only and even I have stopped noticing the piles. I know that perfection is not attainable with four young children, not for me anyway. I don't expect to be able to keep up with everything without putting forth my mind, my time, my heart, my soul... the problem is I am exhausted from grasping at passable and that is not enough. It's not enough for my family and it is not enough for me.

So...I'm going to give the babe a bottle now and then...I'm going to talk to my doctor about switching anti-depressants...I'm going to sleep in my bed...I'm going to read to the kids and teach them to knit...I'm going to study their little faces and listen to every word they say because they say some incredible things. I'm going to do all this and more because I have to. I need to. I want to. I'm going to stop it now before it gets the best of me because they mean the world to me and they don't deserve any lesser version of their mother and I don't want to waste one more second.


(I am also going to post this fully aware that is is not great writing and sort of a giant run on sentence because I just need to get it out there...)

1 comment:

Gardner's Gaze said...

I am weeping and, I have not even made it to the bottom of the page....So beautifully written....Love you B....K.